Oh, hey Spider Bro. I didn’t see you there.
Not gonna lie, I was a bit surprised when I saw you crawling around in the shower with me this morning. That’s usually a one-man show, and if there *are* other participants, they don’t usually have eight legs.
I do not wish to harm you, Spider Bro. On the contrary, because of our accidental intimacy, I think we should be roommates. Here are a few ground rules at Casa de Ian:
1. No crawling on me in bed. I like snuggly feelings, not creepy-crawly ones.
2. Rent is due by the end of the month. For you, that means keeping other unwanted bugs at bay. My price is 10 flies per month which, in this economy, I feel is pretty reasonable.
3. You will have your own room to decorate with webs as you see fit. The armoire is lovely for storing your belongings, which I can’t imagine are anything more than bugs and the occasional leaf.
4. Guests are fine, but please keep noise levels to a minimum. If possible, please don’t invite fellow spiders into the fridge.
5. Should you decide to mate while we’re roommates, I ask that you do so in the comfort of your own web. Eggs are exclusively kept in your room. Once the kids are born, our contract will have ended, as I am not yet at a point in my life where I feel I can co-father 100 children.
Thanks for understanding, Spider Bro. I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.
Please never join me in the shower again.
Your pal,
Ian
This post was originally published on June 13th, 2019
Ian Estabrook 